Tuesday, December 8, 2009

bloggity, bloggity

If I would spend as much time updating this blog as I do reading other people's blogs it would be insane. I seriously spend around 3-4 hours a day just clicking away and trying to get inspired to be more creative.

You see, I have a huge issue. I feel like now that I am staying home I am not as productive as I am when I work. I also feel like since Shane passed, things that used to be important, like the floor being swept, vaccum being ran, etc., just don't seem so important anymore. So, laziness takes over and I am left feeling like I just do not contribute AT ALL. My house stays in a semi-shambles state. I cook, only sometimes... I clean, only sometimes... Heck sometimes I don't take a shower for days. I just cannot get out of this funk. It sometimes feels like I am living in this huge surreal dream... Days and days pass that I just sit, sit and do nothing... I MEAN DAYS... I do not "feel" depressed, I just feel useless and so out of control that it seems I just *almost* don't care anymore. I do what I can to get by. This makes me feel so unproductive. HENCE, I have decided to pick up a hobby.

That hobby is KNITTING. I loved to cross stitch as a little girl, I made enough friendship bracelets to circle the Earth 2 or 3 times, my maternal grandmother taught me how to crochet (kind of) and my paternal grandmother used to quilt and make her clothes. Those are the kinds of things I am interested in. I can use my hands and my brain, whilst I just sit, and at the end of the day I have something to SHOW for it. Instead of the big bucket of nothingness I feel like I have been ending up with every day so far. I made myself a super chunky cowl last week and have had great compliments on it.. I am now making my middle son a thinner cowl that wraps a couple times and will be putting his initials in felt on it later tomorrow.

I just want to contribute to this world in one way or another. I am not ready to volunteer just yet as I can't seem not to cry every time I see someone hurting in a way that reminds me of my hurts.... And I can only play with my children so much everyday. I just feel like I am losing myself and hoping with all my heart I can find myself again. And if this helps so be it.