Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Random...

Well we survived yet another Christmas.  The boys got more than ever, and I was happier and more content than ever.  My parents made it up and over here around lunchtime Christmas day and Shane's parents were here early the very next day.  We had the pleasure of spending time with both sets of parents for two whole days!!!!!!!!  Thank goodness for a larger house that can hold all of us (plus some if needed)!!  I am so thankful and so very blessed!! 



We missed our daddy terribly this year as we will every year, but I am so happy to know he is in a much better place and with no worries.  Somehow I sleep better at night knowing he doesn't have to worry about everyday silliness anymore.  I am getting better and better at dealing with the holiday's and keeping it as normal as possible for the boys.  I hope that I can do MY job and raise them having the most normal and fulfilling life as I can.  Sure I mess up along the way but who doesn't.  People always say how well adjusted they are and that makes me feel like I am doing the best possible job as a mom!!  Yay for me, go me, go me!!! 

Anyway, with my mom in town we are enjoying ourselves and hitting up the thrift stores EVERY.SINGLE.DAY while the kids nap...  Thanks dad for staying behind!  I just wanted to show my two new most favorite things ever that I thrifted today!

First up:






Um, yeah those are pink boots!!  They are balloon brand boots. I googled it and can't find any information on them, but I lurve them.  I am sure I will get tons of crazy stares but who cares.  As long as I love them!!  And I do.

Second up:



Oh, what's in the case?  Are you sure you want to know?




Oh my, it is a vintage Sterling Smith Corona typewriter!!  And I lurve this even more than the pink boots!! 




Sorry for the crappy photo quality.  Ugh, I am working with what I have here...

Mom also brought up her old sewing machine.  I see a lot of curtain making in my future as I learn how to use the darn thing.  And she brought up a fancy gold mirror for my front room!  I can't wait to get moving on decorating this spot in my home!!  Lots of fun ideas!!  I will be back tomorrow with more pictures of the neat things we have found while thrifting this week!  Yes there is more... See you soon!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Tracking Santa...

The boys and I are spending our day tracking Santa.  We are watching Norad... And we are having so much fun!!!  HO-HO-HO!!  Here he comes...


This is the link we are using: 

Tracking Santa...

Here is a picture from a couple years ago.. I was going Christmas shopping and Santa pulled up beside me...

Wooooooooooooooooooo - Hoooooooooooooo...



Merry Christmas Eve!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Some of my favorite things... For right now anyway...

I have been very lucky to find a cute little thrift shop that has super reasonable prices and is very good at accomodating my new knitting / crocheting habit... Here are a few of my favorite finds as of late... Hope you enjoy!!

Basket full of fun crochet threads and doilies...



Mason jar full of hooks... (and my grandmother's buttons)



Basket full of fun possibilities...



And these vintage knitting catalogs... For .49 cents... um, fun...




And this vintage crochet book and catalog... FUN!!




Unfortunately for me, this store has taken over all of my thoughts... ALL.OF.THE.TIME...

Just look what I found last week...

Vintage glass ornaments for .10 cents a box...




Maybe I will do a weekly post on the things found at this thrift store... And the cherry on the top is that the whole thing is run by little old lady volunteers who remember your name... It just feels so "homey", like you are visiting your grandmother... And I am in love...

Today is Christmas Eve's Eve... Or as the boys would say... "Only two more sleeps until Santa comes to town!!!" Sleep tight!!! 

xoxo

Monday, December 21, 2009

Hi!

Just wanted to drop in and say hi... Lots of projects happening around here... I would love to show them to you but I think they are all (around 10 projects so far) at about 40% completion... There are way too many WIP's sitting around this place... So instead I will post some pics of our house @ Christmas time... Enjoy!!

Oh and by the way - please ignore the messiness...















And some super cute little and big guys!!






Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, December 18, 2009

MUST HAVE.

I recently moved to a new home in a new state... Fresh start and all... So with that came the purchase of a new home... A home that has a formal living room and a den.  I have NO USE for a formal living room.  It is larger than the den (or so it feels) and it is the first door to the right as you walk in... I love turning right... I find myself always turning right for some reason... Who knows?  Anyway, back to the original point of this post.  


This front room has caused this chica much pain in the brain.  So, finally I have decided to make it a craft/computer/chill room.  I bought a fabulous '70's wood couch for 25 bucks on Craigslist - she's a beaut! - that I plan on recovering in some sort of fantastical bright fabric and paintin' the wood out in a creamy dreamy white....  Here are some samples of what I would like to do... 


Next 3 fabrics below are Anna Maria Horner






















And then Contender #4 by Joel Dewberry










So far #1 is my favorite... We shall see what the final feel I am going for in the room turns out to be... I am also going to hang drapes on the backside of the doorframe into the room.  They will be bright on the inside and facing outside "show side" I will keep it pretty neutral so it will blend well with the rest of the house...  Plus pull up the carpet to get back to the hardwoods under it... UGH carpet... BLAH!


I have huge dreams for this room.  Mom is bringing me her old sewing machine, my computer desk is already in there and I will be adding a large craft table with chairs on both sides!!  So the kiddos can come in and create with me... I want it to be fun and inspiring... Just super fresh will be whole look I am going for... And believe me, it will be so different from the rest of the house it might just be an eyesore... 


WHICH leads me to this: 


MY MUST HAVE... 






Ruby's Lounge on Etsy...  

Red Cardinal Bird Deer Head 



LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!!  WANT WANT WANT!!!!!!
If I still had a hubby around this is most definitely what I would be begging to get for Christmas... I love it... I want it and I want to hug it and stare at it forever..  Heck I would lurve to have one in every color and design they have available...   I LOVE THIS THING!!!!  It totally sums up what kind of room I want... 


As I make some sort of progress on this room I will take you on the journey... Right now all of the grandiose plans are just sitting and stewing in my head... 


Sounds like fun right.... So here we go!!!  Won't y'all come with me??

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Santa

The kiddos finally got to see Santa today...






Yeah it was fun...

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

About grief.

My husband, Shane, died.  He died in our bed on Tuesday, October 28th, 2008 @ 5:43 a.m.  He died while I held him.  He died while my 12 year old son tried to help me revive him.  He died whilst our 4 year old son danced around the end of the bed and while our 2 year old son slept in the room next door.  HE DIED.  Sometimes, I still can't wrap my head around this simple fact.  Sometimes, I can.  Most of the time I just feel like I am living on a different planet.

Grief for me has been fleeting.  It has been an emotion I *try* to face head on.  It comes and goes and has never entirely held me in it's grips.  I have always carried on and gotten out of bed to face everyday since he left me.  I don't remember crying much that day.  I do remember them taking his lifeless body from me with the kind of clarity I can remember my babies being born.  I do not remember every single person that came through the line at the funeral home, but I remember those people who were just as upset as I that they had also lost a best friend, a brother because if you knew Shane you had a brother in him.  He gave all of himself to everyone.

I have thought of him every single one of the 413 days he has been gone.  I still expect him to come home to me, even when I know he isn't.  I miss the laughter, the hugs, his wise cracks, his smell, his voice, his cooking, his sometimes general laziness, how good he was at golf and baseball and being a dad.  I miss how fantastic of a husband and person he was.  Everyone who knew him loved him.  He was so smart, loyal, kind, funny, trustworthy, and my God he remembered everything.  EVERYTHING.

I have only been to the cemetery 3 times since he passed.  I feel like he is not there and I do not need that piece of land that houses his body to be how I remember him.  I remember him in my children's eyes, because every time I look at them I see him.

But I do find myself forgetting things and this crushes me.  Only because I want to be able to tell the kids everything about their dad.  They won't miss him in the way I miss him,  because they do not understand loss at this age, but I can remind them of who they are through him.

When he died his boss asked me if seeing his pictures around the house bothered me?  Honestly they didn't, the things that bothered me were the things that didn't move anymore.  His wallet, his shoes, his watches.  Those are the 1st three things I packed up.  And I kept all of them, every last shoe.  In my bathroom cabinet I still have 1 stick of his deodorant and two small bottles of cologne.  I get them out sometimes just to smell him.  I still haven't washed the clothes he wore the last few days before he died. They still smell like him and sometimes I like to smell him.  I have gotten rid of most of his things.  I actually got rid of most of his things a couple of months after he was gone.  The things I felt that were most important are all packed away nicely in a couple of large totes for the boys.  It makes me sad that his life fits into those totes.  It makes me sad that when we are gone possessions do NOT define us, memories do.  The most upsetting thing is that possessions continue to be the same year after year, and memories fade.  This has more upset me than most any other one thing.

Sometimes I feel him around me.  I feel like when I am at a bad point in my life, I hear a song on the radio that makes me smile or see something on TV that we enjoyed together.  When I was trying to decide where to move after he passed.  The hardest decision I think thus far, but one I knew the answer to in my heart he gave me a sign.  I feel like when you lose someone you look for anything, just anything, to make you feel like you are still connected.  That has comforted me, and is my own personal way of dealing with this.

I am going to continue with these posts here and there as I feel I need to.  I hope that, for me, getting it off my chest and putting it out into the world will help me to A.) remember how I felt down the road and B.) help me to deal with some of these repeating thoughts in my head, just to sort them all out.  Most importantly putting these thoughts here will help me to *remember* him just as vividly as the day he was here with me.  And just as vividly as opening those tubs of *things.*   For the children.

Yeah I made this...

I sure did... I finally nailed that darn magic circle crochet thing... 'bout darn time... geezey pete... So I had buttons and I made this cute little thing to put on my newly made cowl.  I am really liking this new knitting / crocheting form of artwork/crafting whathaveyou... I am by NO MEANS doing any of it the proper count your stitches, check your gauge, dc in the 2nd chain whatever that means.. but I can make a circle... OH.YES.I.CAN!

SEE.... Told ya...

Monday, December 14, 2009

Seriously.....




Absolutely UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!  

I can't wait... And neither can the kids as I have found a *few* gifts half unwrapped already!!!  Oh well, what is the fun in already having gifts under the tree if they can't have a few shakes right????

In my lap...


Right now is the Sutter's Mill Throw that I have been working on, (off and on) for a couple days now... It is driving me crazy.. I just had to rip out 3 more rows and now I have somehow managed to pick up 3 extra stitches... ARGH!!!!!! This is making me insane!!! And to top it all off - all the edges are ROLLING on me...

I have no clue how to fix either of these two things... I am taking to twitter so I can ask Lion Brand at least how to fix the rolled edges... I think I am just going to drop a couple stitches here and there to get back on track.. Only 10 or so more rows and I will have my 1st of the 5 panels complete!!!!! YAY for me!!!


**If it looks good enough I will add it if not I may rip apart and start from scratch... UGH!!!!**

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Seriously getting stuff done...

After the last blog post I actually got up off my hind end and got some work done around the house... I guess actually forming thoughts into words and putting them out into the world made me feel totally and completely worthless. Guess it worked... So, I have decided the best way to get things done is A.) Write it down and B.) Get dressed. It seems if I get dressed first thing in the morning I am more productive throughout the day, rather than staying in my jammies or something similar.

All of my Christmas shopping is done as well... I mean I am a completely different person than in the past, I am usually the mom who is at the Wal-Marts Christmas Eve morning getting gifts and wrapping them Christmas Eve night... At least now I can enjoy that night without worrying if I have everything ready for the next morning... SO, yay me!! I feel so much better this year.

So unfortunately I am more than likely going to use this blog as a way to keep on myself to get things done. Use it as a responsibility check list for me. Since there are no other adults around it is hard to stay motivated. The kids rarely, if ever, notice that I didn't fold laundry or make my bed or clean the kitchen... This makes it hard for me to stay motivated to do those types of things. At least I know there are a few other people who read this and hopefully it will keep me feeling just enough guilty that I stay on top of my duties as a house-mommy!! :)

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Cast on... Cabled Knit Throw

If you didn't know "casting on" is the first row of a new knitting project. I will start a new blog post like this every time I start a new project.... This is going to be a way for me to keep up with my progress and outline my difficulties and successes... YAY!!

Casted on to Cabled Knit Throw @ 6:00pm 12/11/09...


Hopefully this will take less than a week but so far I have only finished 3 sets of the first of 7 sets in 5 panels of this throw and I spent at least 2 hours last night on it! The throw is my first big project so I am sure there will be lots of ups and downs on this project. I have already had to rip out over 5 rows of stitches - ARGH!!!!!!!! These types of projects take lots of focus on counting and very little focus on actually thinking. Which is good seeing as thinking usually gets me in a super funky mood. Anyway, I am using Lion Brand Wool-Ease Thick & Quick in Fig and it should take around 9 skeins of yarn... Here is a little linky love for the patternfrom Lion Brand. Let's see how this thing looks when I get it done... Here we go...

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

bloggity, bloggity

If I would spend as much time updating this blog as I do reading other people's blogs it would be insane. I seriously spend around 3-4 hours a day just clicking away and trying to get inspired to be more creative.

You see, I have a huge issue. I feel like now that I am staying home I am not as productive as I am when I work. I also feel like since Shane passed, things that used to be important, like the floor being swept, vaccum being ran, etc., just don't seem so important anymore. So, laziness takes over and I am left feeling like I just do not contribute AT ALL. My house stays in a semi-shambles state. I cook, only sometimes... I clean, only sometimes... Heck sometimes I don't take a shower for days. I just cannot get out of this funk. It sometimes feels like I am living in this huge surreal dream... Days and days pass that I just sit, sit and do nothing... I MEAN DAYS... I do not "feel" depressed, I just feel useless and so out of control that it seems I just *almost* don't care anymore. I do what I can to get by. This makes me feel so unproductive. HENCE, I have decided to pick up a hobby.

That hobby is KNITTING. I loved to cross stitch as a little girl, I made enough friendship bracelets to circle the Earth 2 or 3 times, my maternal grandmother taught me how to crochet (kind of) and my paternal grandmother used to quilt and make her clothes. Those are the kinds of things I am interested in. I can use my hands and my brain, whilst I just sit, and at the end of the day I have something to SHOW for it. Instead of the big bucket of nothingness I feel like I have been ending up with every day so far. I made myself a super chunky cowl last week and have had great compliments on it.. I am now making my middle son a thinner cowl that wraps a couple times and will be putting his initials in felt on it later tomorrow.

I just want to contribute to this world in one way or another. I am not ready to volunteer just yet as I can't seem not to cry every time I see someone hurting in a way that reminds me of my hurts.... And I can only play with my children so much everyday. I just feel like I am losing myself and hoping with all my heart I can find myself again. And if this helps so be it.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Dinner with Friends.

Two of my very best friends (inherited best friends) birthday's are today!! So, last night I hosted a super Taco Night Tuesday to celebrate their birthday's. There were 6 adults, 1 teenager and 6 toddlers/preschoolers at my place last night and it couldn't have been more fun if you would have thrown a barrel of aardvarks in the mix... I made cupcakes (chocolate and yellow) and a huge pot of taco meat with all the fixin's... It was delicious!! Almost everyone, including the kiddos, had seconds. And for me, that is a huge success.. If you can get kids - especially preschoolers - to eat seconds it is a phenomenal success in my books.

Needless to say, I love being back in St. Louis. We are finally getting settled in and getting used to life off of the range, and it couldn't be going any better. I love that our friends are close and that we can do nights like last night. I love that my kids have other kids that they can grow up with whose dad's are (were) best friends with their late father. I am so blessed to have adult men in this world that will help me to raise these boys, who so desperately need a good example of what a father and man is supposed to be like. And who better than men that were hand picked by my husband, to help me raise them if they can't have their biological father on this Earth. We really are so blessed and I am so thankful to all of these men for stepping up and making a positive thing out of something so horrible for these kids... I love them all so much!!!