Yesterday...

... we celebrated what would have been Shane's 34th birthday.  We went out with some of our closest friends for dinner... We shared some food, memories and lots of laughter.  When we got home we enjoyed the birthday cake that the boys and I had made earlier in the day.  We also played with the balloons that Shane's aunt had sent for the boys.  We all went around the table after singing daddy happy birthday and shared one of our most favorite memories about him.  We had fun.  It was our second daddy birthday party where the guest of honor could not make it.  But we had fun nonetheless.  And we hope he had fun watching us too!!

Happy 34th birthday daddy!!!  We love you and miss you and it still isn't the same without you!!

What 2009 taught me...

This past year was a doozy, that is for sure.  The previous year, 2008, was such a great and horrible year for my family that 2009 could only be better.  2008 saw the death of my husband and my children's father. I was left a 30 year old widow with a teenager, a preschooler and a toddler.  I was in a strange state with few friends, 9 hours away from my family, 7 hours away from my in-laws, and no where near any other kind of support system.  I was left.  I was left in the middle of nowhere.  I lived in the middle of nowhere alone with my children for 7 months.  ALONE.  I continued with my job.  A job that had me commuting a total of 2 and a half hours a day.  A job that I spent 9 hours at a day.  I lost my husband and barely saw my children and I lost me.  

I decided to keep my job and stay in a foreign place to make sure that "I" could do it.  That I could support my family while working a demanding job with crazy hours and a crazy commute all while losing THE most important person to all of my family.  I did it so that I had the knowledge for myself that if everyone else in the world that could help me was gone, that I could do this on my own.  And I did, I kept it all together and made life for my children as "normal" as possible.  And they are so well rounded and well adjusted that darn it, I deserve a pat on the back.  

In those 7 months I visited the top three places I thought I "may" want to live, to relocate my family.  I took so long in choosing because I wanted it to be right, I wanted it to be what I wanted and what Shane would have wanted for the kids.  I chose St. Louis because he loved it and I loved it and I knew the kids would have opportunities here that they wouldn't in the other 2 places.  I knew the kids would also have tons of "dads" here in Shane's friends, and so far that has proven more than true.  The men here are surely some of the most stand up men I have ever encountered in my life and for them I am so very thankful!!  

So as a recap, for me more than anyone else, here are the things I accomplished in 2009:

- My family can have a great holiday season in the worst of circumstances.

- I purchased a home for the first time, in another state. 

- I can pack up a household and move it 2 states away on my own.

- I purchased a car on my own, for the first time.

- I can successfully raise 3 boys on my own.

- I can keep a household running on my own.

- I can kill a mouse, spider and other creepy things on my own.

- I can grill dinner outside on my own.

- I learned how to invest money.

- I can still live in different states than my parents and in-laws (albeit closer) and still be ok.

- I value life in a way I never have before.

- I tell everyone that is important to me, just how important they are, because they may be gone tomorrow.

- I thank God everyday for giving me a chance to meet, get to know, marry and have children with someone as special as my husband.

- I also thank God for letting me know what it is like on the other side of the hurt.

- I thank God for my husband for making sure we were taken care of "just in case."

- I met with countless numbers of lawyers and made sure my kids were taken care of "just in case."

- I am so thankful for my family and friends for understanding and helping me through one of the hardest things I will ever go through, and fully expect to face more tough times throughout my life and will need them again.

I hope that I will not forget the lessons I learned and the things I accomplished in 2009 for no other reason than to know that I can rise above the hardships and the pain.  To know that life is life and crappy things happen, things that we have NO control over.  To know that hopefully I can help someone else, pay it forward, because my debt is so huge.  And more than anything else that I can still smile and laugh and have a great fulfilling life.  

I hope 2010 brings you health and happiness and everything else you wish for.  Always smile at everyone you see because you do not know what they are going through and that smile might just be what brightens their day.  Talk to the haggard looking mom in line behind you at the grocery, maybe they haven't talked to another adult all day and need to just say hello.  People are much nicer and helpful than we give them credit for and are more than willing to help if just asked.  Here comes another great decade, I can't wait to see what it holds for us all.  I think it is going to be great!!!! 

About grief.

My husband, Shane, died.  He died in our bed on Tuesday, October 28th, 2008 @ 5:43 a.m.  He died while I held him.  He died while my 12 year old son tried to help me revive him.  He died whilst our 4 year old son danced around the end of the bed and while our 2 year old son slept in the room next door.  HE DIED.  Sometimes, I still can't wrap my head around this simple fact.  Sometimes, I can.  Most of the time I just feel like I am living on a different planet.

Grief for me has been fleeting.  It has been an emotion I *try* to face head on.  It comes and goes and has never entirely held me in it's grips.  I have always carried on and gotten out of bed to face everyday since he left me.  I don't remember crying much that day.  I do remember them taking his lifeless body from me with the kind of clarity I can remember my babies being born.  I do not remember every single person that came through the line at the funeral home, but I remember those people who were just as upset as I that they had also lost a best friend, a brother because if you knew Shane you had a brother in him.  He gave all of himself to everyone.

I have thought of him every single one of the 413 days he has been gone.  I still expect him to come home to me, even when I know he isn't.  I miss the laughter, the hugs, his wise cracks, his smell, his voice, his cooking, his sometimes general laziness, how good he was at golf and baseball and being a dad.  I miss how fantastic of a husband and person he was.  Everyone who knew him loved him.  He was so smart, loyal, kind, funny, trustworthy, and my God he remembered everything.  EVERYTHING.

I have only been to the cemetery 3 times since he passed.  I feel like he is not there and I do not need that piece of land that houses his body to be how I remember him.  I remember him in my children's eyes, because every time I look at them I see him.

But I do find myself forgetting things and this crushes me.  Only because I want to be able to tell the kids everything about their dad.  They won't miss him in the way I miss him,  because they do not understand loss at this age, but I can remind them of who they are through him.

When he died his boss asked me if seeing his pictures around the house bothered me?  Honestly they didn't, the things that bothered me were the things that didn't move anymore.  His wallet, his shoes, his watches.  Those are the 1st three things I packed up.  And I kept all of them, every last shoe.  In my bathroom cabinet I still have 1 stick of his deodorant and two small bottles of cologne.  I get them out sometimes just to smell him.  I still haven't washed the clothes he wore the last few days before he died. They still smell like him and sometimes I like to smell him.  I have gotten rid of most of his things.  I actually got rid of most of his things a couple of months after he was gone.  The things I felt that were most important are all packed away nicely in a couple of large totes for the boys.  It makes me sad that his life fits into those totes.  It makes me sad that when we are gone possessions do NOT define us, memories do.  The most upsetting thing is that possessions continue to be the same year after year, and memories fade.  This has more upset me than most any other one thing.

Sometimes I feel him around me.  I feel like when I am at a bad point in my life, I hear a song on the radio that makes me smile or see something on TV that we enjoyed together.  When I was trying to decide where to move after he passed.  The hardest decision I think thus far, but one I knew the answer to in my heart he gave me a sign.  I feel like when you lose someone you look for anything, just anything, to make you feel like you are still connected.  That has comforted me, and is my own personal way of dealing with this.

I am going to continue with these posts here and there as I feel I need to.  I hope that, for me, getting it off my chest and putting it out into the world will help me to A.) remember how I felt down the road and B.) help me to deal with some of these repeating thoughts in my head, just to sort them all out.  Most importantly putting these thoughts here will help me to *remember* him just as vividly as the day he was here with me.  And just as vividly as opening those tubs of *things.*   For the children.