Thursday, June 10, 2010


Summer is becoming a doozy, for me at least... Gone are the heaven sent 3 hour preschool breaks for mommy.  Gosh I miss those 3 hour windows a couple of days a week that I so much need to decompress from the kids.  I need my reset button.  I so desperately need that stinkin' reset button. 

Most days my life feels like groundhog day.  With no one coming home "after work" to break up the monotony, it is just one neverending day after the other.  Not much adult interaction and absolutely NO alone time (bathroom included) I just feel like my head is going to explode.  I know I need to just chill out, chillax, but I am having a hard time refocusing my psyche to get to that point.  It has to happen before I get to that stomping, crying, throwing my hands up thing because I think I scare the kids when I am puddling in the floor crying.  As strange as it may seem, once I do get that out of my system, maybe once every couple/few months I feel so much better.  Kind of renewed, cleansed, whatever you want to call it. 

I find that "year 2" is much harder than the 1st year since Shane has been gone.  I have heard before that this may be the case and by golly it is so far coming true.  I think now that things have calmed down and the shock has worn off for many that now most people not directly linked to our family have somewhat forgotten, or choose not to think of our loss anymore.  Isn't it odd after the storm how no one seems to remember except those whose homes were destroyed by the tornado?  Whose lives were and still are being changed forever, for better or worse.  I find I am slowly forgetting things, yet not one day goes by that I don't think of him.  The razor sharp memories are gone and replaced with dull throbbing painful memories that seem dreamlike.  I tend to wonder what parallel life I am living and whose life is this? 

Days, weeks, months, and now years are going by.  The boys are getting older, going through some pretty major milestone without their dad and it breaks my heart in a billion pieces.  But they are surviving, growing inside and out and hopefully becoming stronger, braver, more independant for that very reason.  We talk about their dad everyday and what he liked, disliked, how proud he would be, what he would do different or the same, where he is now, where we are all going to go when we leave this earth and how do we get there?  We are becoming better people because of this tragedy as most do, but it doesn't help the part where we all miss him like crazy. 

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